if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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