ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize