My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
