I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
