I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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