weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
