I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
