At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize