my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
