why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
