i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
