Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
