i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
