the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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