I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
