every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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