$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
