I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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