I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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