Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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