I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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