I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize