Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
