a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
