when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
