Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
