Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
