there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
