He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
why do cheetos always look like penises
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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