between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I fill condoms, not promises.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
