she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
