we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
