1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
