everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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