you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
