I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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