her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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