I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
