if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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