??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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