Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
