Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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