i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
