take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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