first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
