I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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