It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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