I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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