i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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