I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
