Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
