I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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