Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
