We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
