i barfeds in our rink
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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