She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
