I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
