i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
