God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
