I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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