So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
