There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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