Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
