we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
