cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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