I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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