Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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