Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
